Guess what?
I returned one of the two Seeedstudio XBEE boards I bought and got the Arduino XBee Shield and it works out of the box, with no changes to the radio profile or code.
I tried it with the other Seeedstudio board and sometimes it works if it receives characters over the air first. so I’m guessing that it didn’t work before because I was trying to get two boards talking and each was waiting for the other to start the conversation.
it looks like a classic fatal embrace to me.
I will be returning the other Seeedstudio board tomorrow. the arduino XBee Shield is only $4 more, and there is a prototype area and uSD socket.